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Whether you’ve been spending your quarantine life watching a docuseries about an eccentric zookeeper or learning viral TikTok dances in your living room, it’s safe to say there’s plenty of activities to keep you entertained. There’s just one thing missing: human interaction — which FYI, is essential for survival. There’s been a surge in activity on dating apps amidst the #CancelEverything movement, and is that any surprise? These apps allow you to maintain some semblance of a love life from a safe distance. This begs the question, however: It OK to use dating apps to feel less lonely? Or is that somehow breaking some unspoken moral code merely to meet your own needs?
It’s a complicated subject. People are on dating apps for a whole slew of different reasons, regardless of whether there’s a pandemic happening: some join apps after a breakup because they're looking for validation, while others seek casual hookups or are on the hunt for serious long-term relationships. With social distancing in full effect, people are craving connection now more than ever, which means that some may turn to dating apps merely to feel less lonely — and not to find love. Tinder recently reported that there were 3 billion swipes from users on March 29 alone — that’s more than on any single day in the history of the app. Not only that, but Tinder reports that daily conversations have been up an average of 20% around the world.
Loneliness is not only totally normal but also understandable considering the current circumstances, and these apps are providing a safe, convenient way to meet people. The issue is that if you’re merely using these apps to mitigate loneliness, and you match with someone who’s using them with different intentions, that can obviously lead to a frustrating experience and hurt feelings. Considering that a 2019 YouGov survey, nearly half of adults use dating apps to find an exclusive romantic partner, it's likely at least a few of your matches are looking for long-term relationships.
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That's not to say that there aren't plenty of people swiping out of pure boredom, for some much-needed attention, or other reasons. According to an October 2019 survey by MTV News & MTV Insights, 39% of people age 18 to 29 have chatted with someone on an app who they had absolutely no intention of meeting in person. Since the last thing you want to do is lead someone on or make them feel deceived, dating coach Jess McCann suggests making your intentions known from the get-go.
“You don't have to say this outright in your profile, but you should be open with those you communicate with, says the author of Cursed?: Why You Still Don't Have the Relationship You Want and the 5 Cures That Can Transform Your Love Life.
After you’ve had a few back and forth exchanges with someone, McCann suggests saying something along the lines of, 'You seem really interesting and I'd like to keep talking to you. I'm not looking to date anyone seriously, but if you are up for a virtual hangout over drinks, I can promise witty banter and a few laughs that will make it worth your while!' This kind of statement is effective because it’s honest, so it gives the other person an opportunity to duck out if they’re only looking for connections with serious potential.
Online dating expert and coach Meredith Golden also suggests indicating your intentions right within your bio, so that you can let your profile speak for itself. For example, on Bumble and Hinge, you have the option of selecting what type of relationship you’re looking for, which allows other users to get a better idea of whether you’re on the same page.
Not sure what you're looking for? No problem. You can gauge your feelings after the virtual date. “No one really knows what they want until they meet someone,” explains Golden.
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In fact, McCann highly suggests transitioning from messaging to virtual dates — whether via Zoom, FaceTime, or Skype — ASAP. “Dating apps are only going to mitigate loneliness if you use them as a vehicle to get on a virtual date,” she tells Elite Daily. “Just texting back and forth is not going to make you feel any less lonely because there is no human-to-human contact. While that can keep you busy for a couple of hours, it's not going to feed your soul.”
There’s no denying that matching with a new cutie, getting a compliment on your profile, or engaging in some flirty back-and-forth messaging can offer a nice ego boost. However, McCann says that quick dopamine hit only really lasts for about an hour or so, and what follows the high is typically a feeling of emptiness. The only real way to feed your hunger for human contact is to make meaningful connections, and the best way to achieve that is by hearing their voice and seeing their face.
“Get on the phone with someone, meet them over FaceTime, or plan to have a virtual dinner together,” says McCann. “This is how you can use apps to feel less lonely in isolation.”
It’s also worth noting that there are so many other ways to cope with your loneliness aside from going on a swiping spree. According to Golden, the best way to reduce oneliness RN is to stay connected with loved ones. McCann suggests throwing a Zoom party with friends, hosting a virtual book club, or calling family members to see how they’re doing.
“Take the focus off yourself in isolation, and put it on someone else,” she explains. “The more we think about ourselves and how lonely we are, the more down we become. The best remedy is to focus on others and give to them because it flexes our love muscle. And love is what really makes us feel happy and comforted.”
BTW, if you start to feel overwhelmed or fatigued from all that swiping (dating app burnout is a real thing), Golden says now is actually a great time to take a break.
“The people who are on the market today will be on the market when this mayhem passes,” she adds.
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The bottom line? There's nothing wrong with using dating apps to feel less lonely, as long as you remain transparent about your intentions. Still, it's important to remember that there are lots of other ways to combat loneliness, like enjoying a joint Netflix screening with a sibling, having a virtual happy hour with coworkers, or cooking dinner over FaceTime with your bestie. Your need for human connection is not only valid but super important to tend to — and how you choose to fulfill that need is entirely up to you.
Sources:
Jess McCann, dating coach
Meredith Golden, online dating expert and dating coach
Full disclosure: I'm a firm supporter of dating apps. Yes, theycan be overwhelming, and I encountered plenty of incompatible matches before I met my now-husband on Tinder, but I totally get that dating apps aren't for everyone. Many of my friends have given apps like Tinder and Bumble a try before deciding they weren't well-suited to the swipe life, and that's OK. If you don't like dating apps, you're certainly not alone, and there's probably a good reason why online dating just isn't for you.
'For better and for worse, dating apps have become the new normal for dating,' licensed therapist Nicole Richardson previously explained to Elite Daily. 'People no longer have to be vulnerable in person and approach strangers because they can use their phone to buffer a lot of the anxiety required to meet someone new.' And while that may be a benefit for some, others may find that buffer way too impersonal or even detrimental to their self-esteem. As harmless as it seems to spend an hour swiping through matches before bed, dating apps may be taking more of a toll on your mental health or happiness than you realize. Here are a few signs that dating apps might not be for you.
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Even if you tend to idly swipe through matches while you're watching TV or laying in bed, dating apps can be majorly time-consuming, especially if you're actually starting and maintaining conversations with those matches. Life is already busy enough without having to juggle 10 different conversations at once. When swiping starts to feel more like an obligation than something exciting, you're probably better off meeting people IRL than online.
As online dating expert Julie Spira previously explained to Elite Daily, 'Committing to a chunk of time with someone you’ve never met can be daunting.' And when you're committing time to several people you've never met, you might feel like you're wasting your time rather than using it effectively.
Pricilla Martinez, CEO of Regroop Online Life Coaching, agreed with Spira when she told Elite Daily, '...[Online] dating is an investment of time and energy into someone else. If you’re not seeing a return on that investment, move on.' Spending time on dating apps is an investment, and if you feel like yours isn't paying off, then it may be time to quit the apps.
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Having matches flake out on you is frustrating, but what's even worse is the effect that rejection can have on your self-confidence. Sure, rejection is something you're just as likely to encounter in person as you are on dating apps. But being swiped left or having your message go unanswered can hurt much worse than someone just admitting they're not into you.
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A study conducted in 2016 by the University of North Texas found that Tinder users seemed to have lower self-esteem and a more negative body image than people who didn't use the app. In a statement, one of the study's authors, Jessica Strübel, explained, 'We found that being actively involved with Tinder, regardless of the user’s gender, was associated with body dissatisfaction, body shame, body monitoring, internalization of societal expectations of beauty, comparing oneself physically to others, and reliance on media for information on appearance and attractiveness.'
Dating apps are not only a numbers game — they can oftentimes feel like a beauty contest, as well. You might even find yourself criticizing other users more harshly than you would in person, as well as looking at yourself with a more critical eye. A good dating experience should raise your self-esteem, not lower it, and it's possible that using Tinder and other apps is hurting you more than it's helping.